Writing is usually my catharsis. My way of processing the events of my life. It helps me deal with my trials and tribulations. But not now. I can't seem to find the words to help me deal with this latest "life event". No words bring me comfort. No words help me grieve. I'm at a loss. It's been over two months since my beautiful grandson came and left this world in the space of a day. But, I'm going to try once more.
My life has been very easy until now. You do what you do and go through life as it comes. Most challenges are minor. A sickness or injury. Job issues and solutions. You move here and there and life goes on. Nothing I have experienced so far has prepared me for this tragedy. My heart is broken and I don't think it will ever be whole again. My baby has lost her baby and our world is upside down right now.
Xander Lee came into this world sleeping. Our time with him was short. We tried to sear his beautiful face into our minds. To be able to remember him as we lament all the things we won't be able to do with him or see him do himself. We were robbed. This universe is fuckin cruel and I'm mad at the world right now.
I find my anger is triggered very easily now. My aggro peaks very quickly and I don't care about any consequences. I also cry at the drop of a hat. Just about anything I see or hear seems to bring tears to my eyes. But I'm learning to continue on. We must continue on, because the alternative is darkness.
So, each day I cry. I cry for my daughter and her husband, who will carry this sorrow for the rest of their days. I cry for Xander Lee, who will never have his first words, his first steps or any of the life events that all living children get to accomplish. I cry for my loving bride, who feels as helpless as I do and has no idea of how to deal with this tragedy.
Needless to say, hiking the final Phase of my Quest became very unimportant when we got the word that my daughter had suffered a seizure and the baby's heartbeat was gone. We were in Pittsburgh when my son-in-law called to tells us they were in the hospital. We were there to pick up some baby items that our niece was giving us. Those were the longest three hours of our life as we moved along the PA turnpike, trying to get to our baby, who was in distress. We cried the whole way.
After Xander was delivered and we got to spend the ridiculously short time with him, we all went home to my daughter's house and stayed for several weeks. We didn't want to leave her alone. It took awhile for her blood pressure to return to normal, but the rest of her will never be normal again.
Eventually, she returned to work (at a fertility clinic for fucks sake) and we are now home. Still crying every day and checking on Our baby whenever we can.
She still has hard days. Well, every day is a hard day. It will never be right again. Never.
Whenever I go outside, even if it is for a few minutes, it dawns on me, how little time I have spent outdoors this summer. This has been a hard summer.
I know I need to get back out there. Become an Outsider once more, but I just don't have the energy right now.
When I do get back out there. It will be in honor of my beautiful grandson, Xander Lee. His strength will guide me where I need to go. Help me up that long mountain climb and accompany me when I arrive at Quest's end, on Pomala Peak, on the Greatest Mountain, Katahdin.
RIP my beautiful boy, my little fox
Xander Lee
5/19/2019-5/19/2019
